3 Years

3 years ago I could hardly walk up three flights of steps. I was suicidal, I was living a daily hell in disgusting conditions no human should ever endure. I couldn't do it anymore I was drinking a whole fifth of whisky a night and drinking a 6 pack in the morning to function throughout the day. I couldn't take it anymore. I almost lost everyone in my life but something woke up within. I knew I had to get help, when my friend drove me to the hospital in a blackout because I didn't know what I was going to do next. To myself. I knew the minute she took me to the hospital the fight was over, I knew I was off to rehab. A second time. But this time was different. I knuckled down, I paid attention, I began to learn to love myself again. I had the worst meltdown of my life in there. I feel it too an internal nuclear implosion to level me and I could build on a level foundation. It was if a dam had burst. Every emotion, every thought, every regret, every resentment poured out of me in a water fall of tears. I thought I was going to die, I wanted to. I grasped the picture of Apollo on my headboard and for the first time in a decade and a half I prayed. I prayed to take this pain away. I can't fight my pain, my demons on my own. I'm sorry for everything I've done, every lie I told, every penny taken. All of the sudden in the middle of all the chaos, the biggest storm I've ever weathered, everything went still. A calm washed over me. Something told me everything was going to be okay. The peace in a way has never left. As long as I stay connected spiritually. I truly believe that day I had a spiritual awakening.

The last three years has been the wildest rollercoaster I can imagine. Sobriety has had some of the highest highs and some very low lows, but in those lows I stayed strong. I got a job that turned completely toxic overnight, I was miserable. I was sober but I still felt helpless. Lost, no purpose in life, my pain was insurmountable. I've lived with chronic pain since I was about 18 and it had gotten to a point where I was almost crawling out of my job. I was brought to tears many times and I was never given any break. I was held up to a higher standard then everyone else, everyone else had shit going on in their lives and couldn't perform. I grew resentful. They got free passes while I pushed myself to chest pain, and even thoughts of walking out the back and onto the highway behind the store and wait for a truck to come by.

I finally had it, I asked around. I got a job in the same company but a smaller store that seemed as if it would be a lot better fit for me. It also came with a title promotion, although a small pay decrease due to the smaller volume store. Worth it. 2 dollar pay cut an hour is worth mental health any day. It was the perfect job for me. Things finally started looking up. I found a good dr. and got diagnosed with fibromyalgia and started treatment on cymbalta which revolutionized my life. My pain started backing away, I started getting some strength back and I even had a hint of self esteem coming back. For the longest time that toxic job made me feel as if I wasn't capable of doing any job.

Things began to look up, my mental health was improving, my physical health was improving, my financial situation was stabilizing and I had even managed to undo the damage I had done to my credit score in my active addiction. Then everything I have always hoped for began to happen, We got a motorhome, took out a loan, and my dream of living out west became a reality and here we are. Officially 3 years without alcohol and my life is just beginning. I wouldn't have any of this had I not got sober, hell had I not got sober I probably wouldn't be here today. And even though I still struggle from time to time, I know one thing for sure, I've struggled worse in my addiction and there is not one situation out there I can go through that alcohol would ever make better.

I know that If I drink today, I would lose everything I've worked so hard to get. I know to never promise to never drink again but I wont drink, just for today.

I still live life one day at a time, one breath at a time if that's what it takes. I thank my higher power for giving me the strength and guidance and taking off the weight on my shoulders. I never have to be scared again, no matter how uncertain things are. Because I know as long as I stay spiritually connected, as long as I have Jeffery and my puppies everything will be okay in the end and I am right where I need to be.