Sweating Myelf

Last blog I was watching my hard drive sweat as I downloaded and organized 700+ Photos for development, and then I guess you could say we hit a snag.

I started this blog in part to share my journey in my recovery and I will write the good bad and ugly and to say I had a moment of weakness is a fact. I'll admit that moving 3,000 miles away from where I was born, battling unemployment to a level I never knew possible, having no friends to fall back on, I began to feel the isolation.

I've never been a social person, I'm kind of agorophobic after a decade being isolated and bullied over my identity and it was a big factor in my drinking. As of late I have been bullied on social media to the point I've wanted to throw it all away, but cant, as my network is so intertwined online this could never take off without it.

I found myself craving myself a drink. After 3 years of sobriety I genuinely had a moment where I wanted to cave, something I haven't felt since mid year 1. It scared me. Feeling that demon inside waking back up. The spark had ignited, the words had come out of my mouth, I need a drink. Thankfully this long in I have become self aware enough about these things and was able to reach out and get help, something I hoped to never have to do again but I found out its as open arms as back in Pittsburgh and after how low I have been feeling as soon as I sat in that room, it all washed right away from me. I was shaking walking in. And felt ready to talk to everybody in the end.

So here we are, still 3 years 2 months and 11 days sober. I made it another battle. By the grace of my higher power. I'm honestly drained, I feel I was on the verge of a mental break down. I am giving myself a few easy days on the website and publishing as I re fortify myself and do my best to stay on the right track using the tools I know.

There is so much I want to do on the website, but all in due time. I put too much pressure on myself, I beat myself up, I find myself feeling hopeless and overwhelmed. I’ts not in my nature to give up and I wont. But i need to step back and maintain my personal health or I am no use to anyone.

The urge to give up and do nothing is stronger than ever. It seems like every decision I make in my life leads to so much discomfort and loss around every turn I wonder why I even try, its because I care, and cant stop caring.

Today I celebrate no kings day, not by protesting, by just existing. I am not welcome in this world, I’ve lived a double life, I know who I am inside and out yet my life has become a neverending political debacle. No persons life should be controlled by the government. I am not welcome anywhere I go because seeds pf hate spread so deep that the bullying and torment won’t cease in my lifetime nor the next.

Its depressing, its painful, my world only has a few people remaining in it, the horrors persist but so do I! I’m not going anywhere and may my art be a beaconnof light to everybody being kicked while youre down.